Can't Believe It's Not a Strawberry Milkshake

Because It Is What It Is

    Well, it turns out and has unbecoming that at the exact time of 18:39 the mind truly is a bleached-out, abstruse, conniving, scheming-behind-the-scenes hodgepodge of the most multifarious snapshots of reality and quixotic "dreamscapes" capable enough to break the levee and let the raging torrential flood waters wash and destroy everything. Hold on a second. I find it truly incredulous that out of the more than seven billion people, the only thing or abstract thing, if you will, that remains contrary to what one desires is the mind itself, or rather oneself. Of course, we get all these slogans and sometimes vapid cliches as reassurances to people that they hold their ground and become persistent to achieve their dreams. I may seem to talk from a pessimistic point of view, but I truly feel that the mind is precariously dangerous enough to conjure illusions that blind people perniciously to the point that any further action can potentially harm them, whether or not they are conscious or not or even have the discretion to decide and evaluate the situation for themselves.

     Usually, I think of myself very susceptible to blind optimism, for lack of a better word (mind you, I have a dictionary-thesaurus five feet from this leather chair, but I blame my lazy self). Or perhaps, I should rather say, in other words, that just as euphemism is applied to polish a possibly horrendous event or focus on the more positive connotations, I always stay in the niche I believe myself to be the most comfortable: academics. Up to this point, I still have not overcome my appetites and reinstate myself to a certain point that I can say: I am Jose. I really pray and hope for such a day to happen, but then faith and action must go hand-in-hand to produce that intended and desired result. Still for the past five years, I still lack confidence--the confidence to be, to speak, to take new chances, to let go of these burdens and shackles. I admit I lack the zeal and fervor of the youth, and that makes me seem like a wrinkly, depressed, cantankerous soul just waiting for the wind to take up its course and just hurl me into a violent tempest. I do not know where this post is heading, but if there is anything, I should really just apologize to myself because I was not quire open to anything; I just went along with what has been done or what is said without my at least having to assess a situation.

         The thing is that I think I'm really afraid of rejection and that comes from a seeming inability to completely converse with people (at least on my part). That's why I probably did not do anything else than just study because I knew doing well in academics was probably one of the few things to which I was used to doing. I might know that if you met me, I'm probably not the person striking up a very delightful, or hilarious conversation because it is true that I tend to stay away from the norm. Not that I am a hipster or anything, but sometimes I am afraid that people may misconstrue me of being something else; yet that itself is inevitable. It is so not enough to rely on oneself, and I know it sounds like I'm not following my advice but my isolation has shunned me from people I probably knew best and at least interacted with me. I am typing this with a heavy heart because what I am writing is true, or what is my version of the truth I am at. It is so difficult for me to endure with my thoughts and have my mind tell me that I am not cool enough, that I am so awkward, or that probably I am just a loser who dons a facade who ostensibly knows what he's doing. And that is why I feel so distant from most people--my life lacks color and vivacity. If anyone is reading this and we happen to at least know each other, I am sorry if I had done anything offensive in the past; that is not the person that I was intending to be.

      Even the most simplest things give me a dose of anxiety, for the mind is truly a rancid milkshake of vomit indeed when gone uncontrolled. I don't know who else might read this (aside from God), but thank you for having to put up with a defeatist mood of mine. Danke schon (I know I'm missing the o umlaut), merci beaucoup, gracias, maraming salamat, and thank you...